Leadership Struggles: Leading My Family Well
This series of posts I find myself in currently is all about things I’ve struggled with in my time in leadership. That means I have to be open about those struggles and allow myself to be vulnerable. Some of these topics are a little more challenging than others; today is one of those. Needless to say my family means a great deal to me but today I want to talk about leading my family, my coaching business, my ministry, and my teams well. Before we get to that, a little history is in order.
My wife and I were married in 2006 and at the time I was in the restaurant business while she was, and is, a teacher. The reason this is important is I wasn’t in ministry at the time. My wife grew up Catholic while I was Southern Baptist and the only reason I mention this fact is because of how different they are in much of their beliefs. On one hand you have priests and the other pastors; priests weren’t married while most pastors are. When the conversations of me starting in ministry began to come up all she could think of were the stereotypical pastors wives she’d seen in her little time around me before we were married. She had no desire to be that, nor did I have the desire for her to become that. What that meant though is that it was my ministry and not ours. In many ways I had my work life and my personal life. Through some encouragement the began to help some and travel with me a little bit when she could. Then our kids were placed in our home and yet again, as things do with kids, everything changed. We realized very quickly that if she were to take care of two kids while I’m busy doing, she’d rather do it at home than at a camp or retreat so I yet again found myself back where we started. Again, things felt very separate in my life. All of this is to set the tension I navigated, and I guess at times still navigate, of leading my family, my ministry, my coaching business, and my teams well.
Everyone desires to be good at what it is they do. I’m no different. I want to be a good husband and father, a good pastor, a good leader, etc. I truly believe I am these things, not perfect of course, but good. There’s been times in which I’m not sure I would agree with that statement.
During those tough times I worked hard to not bring “work” home with me. This wasn’t because my wife had asked me to, in fact it was quite the opposite. In my own way and in my own ignorance I was trying to be what she wanted of me during this time. There would be times a student would call or text needing to connect with me at various times and because I tried to keep my two lives separate, I’d step out or away. In doing that, even though I was trying to be respectful, it came across as secretive creating more separation, not less. Fast forward to as our children got older. My son started traveling with me a little more to camps and events I was going to, which was great but didn’t solve the tension I was still dancing.
Finally this tension came to a head. She began sharing all of the feelings and emotions she had been feeling and I attempted to do the same. I didn’t handle all of it extremely well but what came out of it was we came to a new place. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen. So the question you may be asking is how do we balance our lives, jobs, people, family, hobbies, ministries, and the like well? I’d like to share some things I learned throughout this time. These things are probably not foreign or new concepts but I’ve learned are crucial.
Firstly, communicate, communicate, and communicate again. Had I had some conversations with my wife early on on expectations and the reality of things we may have navigated all of this with less tension and heartache on both of our parts. Had I had some conversations with my church and teams we probably would have come to an understanding of when I needed family time and when I was available. Early and often communication is the key.
Next, as much as you can partner together. The day my wife and kids starting sharing in ministry was the day everything began to come into balance. For my part I started sharing in my struggles and my joys and engaging them (my family) in ministry and ministry conversations. This doesn’t mean that they’re always there with me and in every conversation or event. It does mean that they, or at least my wife, is connected. That’s some of the communication that I was talking about. This also meant, at least for me, I was talking about my wife and family often when they weren’t present. Now, she’s such an important part of our ministry, not just to me but our students as well. (notice the our)
Lastly, prioritize your family. There will be seasons in life and career that require more of your time, emotion, and energy and in those times it’s important to make sure your family is in the know. That also means on the times that things slow down, give it back to your family. When push comes to shove, “cheat” your job. You only have 168 hours per week, don’t give what belongs to your family to your job.
I assure you, I’m no expert in this and it’s still a place of growth for me. I am better than I once was but not where I hope to be. My family is my priority and my first responsibility, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. This is so important, don’t miss this! You are the primary disciple maker in your home just like I am in mine.
Stay the course, you have what it takes!