Leaders Need To Grieve Too
I was listening to a podcast the other day in which Terry Wardle was the guest. Terry was a pastor and a seminary head. He’s also an author and more recently the founder of Healing Care Ministries. Before this moment I’ve never even heard the name but I became more and more intrigued as the interview pressed on. He was talking through how our attitudes, actions, and even our thoughts are affected when we don’t grieve the losses and woundings that occur in our lives properly. In fact, Terry goes on to say,
“if you have the fruit of dysfunction you have the root of wounding.”
This resonated with me. I’m not one to say I’ve had a difficult life but I’ve known a lot of loss, wounds, and dysfunction. When we see people that are struggling with things like addictions, extramarital issues, anger, and the like we typically want to correct the issue without looking to what may be causing the issue to begin with. It would be like a doctor treating the symptoms of cancer but not addressing the cancer itself. Oftentimes if someone were to come forward and say, “I’m struggling with _____________,” we’d suggest a content blocker, some type of accountability, offer to pray for them and the like. While these are good, and usually helpful if not necessary, they don’t address the root of the problem. I’ve seen this “fruit of dysfunction” play out in my own life more times than I can count but truly had no understanding to why. Looking back I have a better understanding to why I did some of what I did and why I made some of the decisions I made along the way. As leaders, we find ourselves in an interesting position when tough things in life happen.
Later on in the same podcast Terry and the host, Carey Nieuwhof, talked through the idea that pastors aren’t able to grieve. After processing that some I’ve decided I can safely take that thought a step further and say leaders aren’t able to grieve. The grief process can be a range of emotions and over a range of time but as leaders, we usually don’t have the time to give to allow ourselves to grieve. We usually are having to get back to leading quicker than we’re allowed to grieve and just compartmentalize everything else. We, intentionally or unintentionally, push through the emotions, processing, and sometimes even the grief itself. I don’t know about you, but I can justify the heck out of doing this. My job needs me. My family needs me. My teams need me. These are all true statements but which “you” do they need?
I probably don’t have to tell you what bottling up and forcing emotions can do and we’ve already established what pushing down grief can do. In August 2006, just six months after my wife and I were married, my family went through one of the worst tragedies I’ve ever known. I gave every excuse I could to not feel any of it. I had to be strong for my new wife. I had to press on in my job. You see where this is going… It was years before I came to a place of allowing myself to grieve this tragedy, and it wasn’t by choice. I’ve come to use the term “volcanic” as the adjective to describe me during this time. My dysfunction showed itself as anger and it did not look good on me. All of this unresolved grief overcame me. After that I started seeking to process this in a healthier way. Fast forward sixteen plus years later I found myself in another tragedy. Not nearly as great as the one I spoke of earlier but it did evoke similar emotions. I found myself getting a little angrier than I should over situations that didn’t matter so it forced me to stop and press in. This more recent tragedy triggered some emotions that I didn’t even realize were there. I still had some grief that needed addressing.
Let me be clear on a couple things. I do believe I spent some time and properly grieved those things before but I’ve also learned this is the journey of life. That we have to “peel back the layers” as we continue through life and yes, I know parfaits have layers but we’re sticking with the onion metaphor. We sometimes don’t realize how deep the roots grow until we start digging.
My encouragement for you, for us, is to grieve. Whether your a leader of a company, a pastor, a leader of a small business, or just a leader of a group of friends make sure to process the things that occur in your life so that you may continue to grow and lead well. I understand that there may be times you have to compartmentalize and take care of business but make sure you take that “box” back off of the shelf and open it up again, at your own pace and at your own time.
By no means am I an expert at this nor am I a counselor but if I can help you navigate any of this, reach out to me and let’s connect. I’d consider it an honor! Remember, stay the course! You have what it takes!