Leadership Struggles: Insecurities
Some of my absolute favorite resources when it comes to mentoring and working with young leaders has become the Briggs-Myer personality assessment and the enneagram. I’ve used both of these often in working with my teams, understanding my wife and kids better, when I’ve taken people through our Life and Leadership Mentoring, and oftentimes just in daily life. The personality assessment shows people how they are fueled, how they process information, how they make decisions, and how they interact with their worlds. I believe that when we understand these things about ourselves it can help explain whey we are the way we are in many circumstances. The enneagram show us more of who we are at our core, or our truest self as I like to say, as well as how we view the world. It’s as if each of the nine enneagram types wore different colored glasses. We all look at the same things but have a slight variation on how we see them. My personality type is an ENFJ and on the enneagram I’m an eight, and a hard eight at that. For this post I’d like to talk more on the later.
As I said last time, this is a new series in which I’m sharing some things that have been struggles for me when it comes to my leadership. I’m attempting to be vulnerable and share what I have and am learning. This post is a big one for me because I’m talking insecurities. Truth be known, I’m really insecure. The reason I started with the fact that I’m an enneagram eight is that I oftentimes come across the opposite of insecure.
If you know any eights or know anything about us, you know we’re typically come across as decisive, confident, strong, not afraid of a conflict, and usually looking to champion others. We are also known for being intense, “my way or the highway” types, and even bullies. We desire to be respected and to be thought of as protectors but to never be thought of as weak or vulnerable. The most accurate depiction I’ve ever heard is that eights are like snow plows. Used properly, they clear the impassable for others who could not do it for themselves but can also be very messy and even violent if not used cautiously oftentimes leaving a mess in their wake. I really resonate with this metaphor and have found it to be accurate in my life, ministry, family, and leadership.
What I’ve also learned of myself is that as an eight I’m really good at covering my insecurities. I think it probably comes more naturally for us. After all, if I come across as confident and decisive, will anyone really know the difference? I’m not going to get into the root of my insecurities in this post (perhaps another time) but I’d like to share a couple instances where I led through them instead of my identity and what I learned.
Some of my insecurity comes from the relationship I had with my father. Again, not getting into it, but it’s led me to make some significant decisions in my life. How this has played out at times for me has been a struggle with male authority figures in my life. I have a great boss and pastor (one in the same if you didn’t know) who’s been incredibly gracious to me. There have been times when I’ve had a hard time approaching him, especially if I didn’t feel like he was going to agree with what I was saying. It would be really easy for me to blame him and claim he’s “unapproachable.” The truth though is that I allowed my insecurities to best me and miss out on an opportunity for growth. Even though I’m not leading him in a traditional sense I still had the chance to speak something out that may have been beneficial for both of us.
Another time when i allowed my insecurities to creep in was several years ago. As a student pastor, there are seasons in which I spend a lot of time around teenagers. Early in my time in ministry I found myself, I guess you could say trying to be cool. I would start saying the little things they said and laughing at their jokes none of which is a big deal except I was supposed to be their leader, not their friend. I never crossed any moral lines or anything of the sort but looking back now I would say that is a season in which those relationships became “too familiar.” Honestly, especially looking back, it was a dangerous place to be.
Probably the biggest place my insecurities rear their ugly head is at home. Where we are the most comfortable will be the place where we let our guard down. I have a tendency to retreat into myself during these times which is also a very eight thing to do. I get reserve and quiet and one may even say showing signs of depression. I don't say that lightly as one who has dealt with depression and know that it’s a real problem today but it’s accurate to me when my insecurities creep in. I treat my wife different, my children different, and honestly myself different.
So what do we do when we find ourselves feeling insecure? Here’s some things I’ve learned and am still learning. We must learn to set and maintain boundaries, be open with those close to us, find our identity in Christ and not our feelings.
Boundaries are set when things are healthy and lived out when struggles are present. I’m going to unpack this one greater in an upcoming post but if you think about the guardrails on a bridge, they are before you reach the edge not at it. Be clear on what lines you cannot and will not cross and stand your ground even when others don’t understand or agree.
I’m so fortunate to have a wife who loves me and knows me well. Oftentimes she knows when i’m not in a healthy place or feeling insecure and will speak life over me and try to help see come around. I’m also able to to answer the “what’s wrong” question with “I’m just feeling insecure right now” because she knows me that well. Make sure you have people in your life that know you and you can be honest with, even when it’s uncomfortable.
When I’m insecure, I can get wrapped up in my emotions and my emotions can lead me astray or at least cloud my judgement. The situations I described earlier were just that. How I can bounce back out of these times is coming back to my rooted identity of who I am in Christ and who He created me to be. He’s called me to lead well in my family, ministry, and life. Not through flighty and shifting emotions but through the gracious truth of His word.
What about you? Do you find yourself leading through insecurities at times? How do you find your way out? If I can help you navigate these waters at any point please reach out, I’d consider it an honor. Stay the course, you have what it takes!