Three Crucial Relational Boundaries For Student Pastors

I've been in student ministry, well, for what feels like a lifetime now, and like anyone with any experience, I’ve learned a few things. Student ministry is a tricky one if for no other reason it requires adults to spend significant time with teenagers. In no other context would this be normalized. Not even in education would you regularly see teachers hanging out with their students. I believe wholeheartedly that this IS normal, within appropriate boundaries, and the way it should be however this is a responsibility we must take seriously. With that in mind, here are a few thoughts I'd like to offer when it comes to some essential relational boundaries student pastors, youth leaders, and any adult that works with students need to have. I’m going to use the word too in these settings to try and give understanding to looking for those lines we can never cross. Truthfully, these three are very similar and may even interchangeable but I’d like to break them down for clarity’s sake.

Firstly, don't let your relationships with your students become TOO FAMILIAR. It’s natural that as you spend time with anyone you’re going to get to know them and we should get to know our students as well as possible but there’s a unique balance in student ministry to knowing what’s going on in their lives and getting into the intimate details of their lives. I’ve always kept really clear boundaries when it comes to navigating life and ministry with our female students but I’ve learned to broaden that and strengthen my boundaries when it comes to the male students we have. This probably has more to do with the conversations we have with them than them with us. For example, you shouldn’t be sharing private or intimate details of your own life with your students and if they are sharing those things with you I would encourage you to have your spouse or maybe another trusted adult in that conversation for your protection and accountability. When relationships, especially but not exclusively, with the opposite sex become to familiar lines become blurred and when we don’t know where the line is we may not know when to stop something. That leads us to our next point.

Don’t let your relationships with your students become TOO FRIENDLY. Again, I want to emphasize the TOO part. I think it goes without saying that you shouldn’t be mean to your students which means you should be friendly but let me be clear, you shouldn’t be their friend. I’m a 46 year old man and it would be weird to be friends with a 12 year old girl. I actually think that it’s probably easier for someone like me in this context than a 22 year old leading students. Students don’t need you to be a spiritual friend to them but to be a pastor and a spiritual mother or father. I have friend in ministry that looks at the temptations of Christ in Luke 4 in the terms of “life drift.” When you’re not intentionally moving forward you’re going to go with the current. My life drift with be the “temptation of approval.” This means I can very easily allow myself to slip into an “I want people to like me” state of mind. If I, their pastor and leader, start becoming too friendly in my decisions and leadership because I want to be their friends, I’m not leading them, my ministry, or myself very well. No matter if you life drift is approval or not, when we become too friendly with our students it is to their and our detriment and again, lines become blurred and decisions aren’t clear.

Lastly, don’t let your relationships with your students become TOO FATHERLY/MOTHERLY. We live in a time where divorce rates are through the roof and many student are without fathers or mothers. They are looking for someone who can fill that role and while there are certain things you can do to spiritually father/mother them, you need to remind yourself that your are not their father or mother. The two biggest ways I’ve seen this line blurred is how we talk to that particular student and physical contact we have with that student. I have two beautiful children, a son and a daughter. In some ways I speak to them like I do many of my students but there are things that are reserved for them because I’m their father. As far as physical contact, I’m a high five and a fist bump kind of guy and don’t hug very often but with my own children I hug often, even while at church. Your students need your guidance, your shepherding, your encouragement, and mostly your love but when lines blur, things get confusing for them. Oftentimes when things get confusing for them they see the relationship as more than it is. Remember, you’re their spiritual mother/father but your not their mother/father.

I’d like to offer a few more thoughts in closing on navigating these relationships. If you have blurry lines in the relationships with your students, step back, ask God for some clarity, make things right, and then set clear boundaries. It would only take an accusation or hint of impropriety to ruin your ministry, family, and life. If you’re lines and boundaries are clear, great, work hard to keep them that way. The way you go about this is accountability! You need others in your life and ministry watching your back. If you’re married, I believe your spouse is that first go to but I also have other adults in my life and ministry helping with this. If I notice something that seems to be a little off, I bring it to my wife and to those adults. Our enemy is cunning and will look for every opportunity to steal, kill, or destroy you and your ministry.

If you need someone to process this more or press in a little deeper, email me at Eric@ericfoshee.com and let’s connect! Stay the course, you have what it takes!